"". we belong together <337:33 AM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <337:33 AM ___________________________________________________________________
maybe its a omen. i shud haf guessed it. i lost it. and i think im losing grip of the love.i had been thinking about it. the whole day. all the time. thinking about how i was treated. how i treated you. how did everything happened. and i felt nothing.its a sign of hopeless. learning how to let go of all the expectations. i lost faith. in you. in myself. in us.yes. its never ending. yes. its tiring. but when will we realli learn?it jus hurt so badly this time round. maybe because of the lost of our finals. but i realli have absolute no confidence in myself.i duwan to be called a liar again. i duwan to make empty promises again. because i know i will make the same mistakes again. because i wont love you openly. i wont care for u selfishly. not that i don wan to. but i cant do it. i dont haf the chance to. and im desperate for these chances. but they never came. you may sae that i din go for it. i din seize chances. but im realli li bu cong xin. wu neng wei li. you are not the onli one feeling hurt. when i couldnt keep my promises. the hurt i feel is doubled, tripled or even more times than u feel. ever heard of being so near yet so far? ever heard of watching someone leaving u yet u can do nothing about it? it hurts so bad. so deep. u made me lose faith in myself. my capability of being a good person by calling me a liar many times, when im tryin so hard not to be one. i don say things just to make u happy. i actualli want to make them happen. but im deprived of chances. i can never be the one. we belong together <339:03 AM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <339:03 AM ___________________________________________________________________
love.im sorry.i lost it again. sigh.yes. im the loser.shoot me to death. and throw me to the sea.seriously i ought to be killed.but even if i die, i want it on my finger. i wish i can have it back. i realli want it back.i really duno how it went missing. i took great care of it. but it's still gone.:((((i miss wearing it.i find it so weird to not wear it.i will do anything just to get it back.i want back my ring. :((come back to me, pretty please. we belong together <337:05 AM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <337:05 AM ___________________________________________________________________
"Rational reasoning cannot make me accept the reasons in favour of the truth, because they are so disturbingly weak. I can't seem to do much except to give the most natural smile I can force; either that or I simply shrug it off just to run away from this cruel reality which I've never faced before. I myself get confused with feelings of true joy and oh-I'm-supposed-to-be-happy joy. I never knew how fragile I was until I sat down and thought about it. The brave front is such a convincing disguise that perhaps I myself have been led on to believe that I am strong. But when everything comes crashing down, the feeling of being shattered into pieces cannot be mistaken even if I try to ignore it.Then I realize how screwed life truly can be. How would you feel, to be led on unnecessarily, only to find out in your last breath that things were not going to work out your way?" quoted from someone's blog which reflects how exactly i feel.i guess i have seen clearly whats happening right now. in my life. and in yours.i see why we are no longer the best of friends anymore.i chose not to say becayse i dont want to make you feel that it's your fault. neither do i want to give u the chance to tell u that it's mine. im sure it would hurt less. because no one would like to be pointed at. i dont believe in opening up with my true feelings. cos they hurt people. they make people cry. they are evil.so i will try to say it in the less hurtful way, or just regurgigate them as a matter of fact, not subjective feelings.the reason behind this is that i can no longer fit into your life. or maybe u would feel the same. i dont know. but what i witness is that you dont need me around, or dont even want me to be around except for fridays. and i dont want to be that pathetic to try to play a role in your life. cannot means cannot. no matter how hard i try, i still feel excluded. fridays are just some routine to make us feel better, less guilty, more asssured. but as time passes by, it feels as thou we are trying too hard, we are being too forceful. u made me feel that its a chore for you. i dont want to force you. i want you to really want me to be part of your life, not just on fridays or saturdays. or whenever you dont have company. but there seems to be no way out. i tried, and got pushed away. and i got up, and tried all over again. and the same things happens. its a shame. it's shame for me. that this time round, i lost faith, i lost hope. and taking you away is my punishment.you are always so near, yet so far. its hard to convince myself, to be rational, to be understanding. you always say i nv share anything with you. but when i want to, were you there to listen? were you even interested? you know wad, you give me the feeling that you are not interested in my life anymore. and that you cannot be bothered with whatever i do whatever i feel. i hate to say this, but all you care about is the basketballers. only they have the ability to bring joy to your life. only they can make you happy. and im the only hindrance to your happiness. i make you cry. make you irritated for no exact reasons. and dont try to deny, its the actual fact. we no longer spend time doing mundane and stupid things together. we no longer share the connection. or maybe, we dont even have one in the first place.i dont want to hurt you. neither am i strong enough to allow you to hurt me. at least not now. seems to me that the only way out is to go separate ways. to try to live without you. at least, i need not hold on to the minute hope i have everytime that you would come and look for me, just because you want to talk to me. or that you would appear at my doorstep just because you want to see me. even though i dont want to, the feeling of being chucked aside still haunts me. you only appear when i really really need you, just because you were supposedly my best friend. yes, its true that you were there for me when jonny died, you were there for me when i was having mood swings. but other than that, i can no longer reach out for you. u only appear when things happen. when things dont, u are just so far away. you know. i wanted so much to share with you my life. every single thing that happens, but when i look into your eyes, i see boredom. when i plucked up all my courage and start to share, you dont seem to be interested.and that was when i no longer believe that you love me. you were gone before i knew. long time ago before i realised wad was the truth. i dont think we are gonna make it. i dont think i will want to try again. there are far too limited space for us. i know i wont be able to have you back. so i had rather let nature takes its course. let me let go.maybe some day, you will come back to me.maybe. we belong together <339:14 PM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <339:14 PM ___________________________________________________________________
you are sorry that you cant bring urself upon forgiving me. for all the deeds i did.im sorry for hurting you. i noe all the hurt is accumulated over time. i don seek forgiveness now. cos not everyone will forgive. but i jus want you to noe that for all that i haf done, i have no intention of hurting you. absolutely zlitch. its up to u to believe ornot, but im feeling the hurt i haf inflict on you too. i duno. but i jus kept thinking about wad went wrong. and i blamed myself for every single thing. and im so afraid to take another step out again. in fear that it will aggravate the situation more.what went wrong? did it all started becos i haf to work on friday? and leave u all alone? but u were. u went music fest. u all went without me. i was quite upset. but anyhow, its all over. and it continued because i merely wanted to watch a softball match? talking about softball, now i haf found the answer to your question. why do i not like basketball animore. ask urself why u dont like softball and u will find the answer. im sure its the same reason. but somehow, i duno how to describe the feeling. oh wells, and did it get worse after of the self discovery session. i duno if thats part of the reason to you. but to me, it definitely was. and i felt utterly sorry. i duno wad to sayor do after that day. i jus kept thinking about it. up till todae, i still cannot forget the room, the atmosphere, the jellybeans. and everything about it. are u feeling hurt becos i did not give u a jellybean? if i were you, i would have felt the same. but u have to try to understand what i went going thru. the mixed feelings inside me. the decision making. up till now, i still wonder if i had made the right choice. but to be rational, i think i did. but to be irrational, i think i didnt. becos i had put our friendship in jeopardy.it all got worse when we went home. 55 was crowded. i have to make it clear that i did not want to sit with brandon. whether you believe it ornot. i wanted to sit with you. I REALLY WANTED TO SIT BESIDE YOU. but u were behind. and he sat on the onli two empty seats left, and he moved in. and looked at me. and i was jus right behind him. i had to. if the bus were empty, i would have took the two seats that were empty. wadever it is, i noe u wont believe. u shud be thinking that i put him in front of you. which is totally ridiculous. i noe u are angry because of that. u are hurt. i noe all that. and im sorry. but under those circumstances, i had no choice. i noe u wont believe. but still i hoped u had understand. and of cos i hoped that u will forgive me.and i noe u too well. u think that i put everything else above u. but actualli, i put everything and everyone else below you. if u had asked me to keep me company when i show u the message yuhua send to ask me out, i would haf accompany you instead. maybe up till now u duno, i had rather spend my time with anione else than u.and after so long, i realised the same thing u told me that day. u said that u like malita cos i werent arnd. and i realised that i liked evon cos of the same reason too. i used her as stepping stone so that i wont feel so lonely in school. and that i have a company alwaes. cos at that time, i werent close to the team at all. but now that i haf you, i actualli don care whether im alone or not. i don care if pple see me as an outcast. when i dont haf company in class or wadsoever. cos i had u in my heart all the time. i dont feel lonely at all u noe.(except when i quarrel with you) and im surprised that i can enjoy solitude now, cos i used to be the girl who needs noise and friends. but i guess, after u know what are the important things in life, everything else doesnt matter anymore.i just hate it when we fight. isit too much of each other? or too little of each other?we dont seem to be agreeable with all the things we do. isit bcos we want to best for each other? or isit bcos we want to be each other's top priority? i went to read those letters you wrote again. those childish times we agreed on. the time we wasted fighting over nothing. over silly things like me not telling you things because i dont trust u. and me defending myself by saying that u are lack of empathy and that i can predict the things u are gonna say, thus i kept my mouth shut to prevent myself from getting hurt. and also me fretting about how u like to control me and u never satisfied with the people i hang out with except for yourself. do u remember all the fights we had and all the tears we cried?and u noe wad. i realised that wad we are going thru are wad we went thru b4. and i realli duwan to spend the whole of year 2006 quarrelling with you again. i duwan to see myself drifting awae from u once again. i duwan to live life without you again. we belong together <339:03 PM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <339:03 PM ___________________________________________________________________
fuck you la. and i really mean fuck you.for hurting me.for treating me like dirt.for ignoring my presence for two whole days.its fucking painful. all over. i can jus feel the pain coming from every part of my body.especially my heart. its bleeding like fuck. its hurting like fuck.its never easy. its never easy.to pretend there is nothing wrong.to pretend that i don care about you.to keep myself awae from you.to keep all the things i wanna sae or share with you inside me.im pissed. hurt. bitter. jealous. and i feel like killing you.maybe you feel the same. or maybe you don. i dont know.but it pains me. to watch you from a distant. when im not part of the happiness and fun you are in.when there is no us having fun together. n i cant even do anithing abt it.all i could was try to make myself happy. and laugh it off. and pretend to be alrite when im obviously not.its hard, love. its fucking hard.you never know. cos i never once told you.to watch you giving up yourself.to watch the disappointment written all over your face.i wished i could made you feel better.i wished i had the courage to go up to you and offer you a hug.i wished i had the perfect words to make you smile again.i wished i was the one who gets all the scoldings.i would have d0ne anithing you want me to.jus to see you smile. jus to take the pain away from you. jus to make you happy.yes, i would.you jus hafta tell me what to do.but maybe not. others would do a better job than me.but i wished my name was others.you said you wont leave me.yet you left me crying.with no words of concern.no embraces. no kisses. no hands.nothing.i was all alone.unloved.you said that just the other day.you told me to continue to be blessed by your love.and i vowed to reciprocate it.but you forgot all about it. all about the promises you made.they were all lies. white lies told to make me happy.i told you many times. many nights.i love you. i realli do.you said that too. i trusted you.but you got me injured all over again.maybe you love me no more.maybe. maybe not. we belong together <336:46 AM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <336:46 AM ___________________________________________________________________
love.thanks for accompanying me this two days. it was hell for me. realli.but at least with you around. my mind was coastal clear of negative thoughts. it saved me lots of tears definitely.especially yesterdae night. i could actualli get into sleep. cos u were beside me. i was crying a little actualli after u fell asleep. but i was more than happy to have u here with me.you held my hands whereever we went. it gave me strength to face all that is happening. you dried my tears when i was crying. for that, i thank god for allowing you to come into my life five years ago. and to allow our friendship to blossom to such an extent.thank you for ur kisses. you made me feel loved. thank you. im just so pampered by your love. so used to it. and that im not ready to lose you just yet. so before you let anithing happen to you. think twice. think about me alright. i hate to admit it. i cant do without you.i realli cant. we belong together <338:28 AM ___________________________________________________________________
we belong together <338:28 AM ___________________________________________________________________